The Hibernation Hypothesis
by M H Wilson
Summary: Bernadette invites the gang to stay the weekend at her father's cabin in the mountains, but Sheldon is uneasy about the trip.


Leonard, Sheldon, Raj and Howard are sitting at a table in the University cafeteria enjoying their lunch. Raj begins the conversation by asking if any of them will be donating blood for the upcoming University blood drive. Sheldon speaks up first before anyone else has a chance.

"Oh, I don't think so. My blood is mine and mine alone."

"What about all the people that might need blood after an accident?" Leonard asks.

"They should have thought about that themselves," Sheldon replies. "They could have donated the blood for themselves. Such selfish people."

"And I suppose you have already donated blood for yourself in case of an accident?" Howard asks.

Sheldon snaps back, "With my health and safety conscience preparation, an accident is highly unlikely. But if the matter does arise...then yes, I have an ample supply if the need presents itself."

"You're the one that is selfish, Sheldon," speaks Leonard. "Surely, you can donate some of your blood for unfortunate victims." Sheldon stops eating for a moment to consider what Leonard has said.

" I suppose my blood would be sought out by the massed. I must have a unique blood type–my own type."

"Yeah, green blood," Howard retorts.

"Just like Spock's," Sheldon ponders again, "thank you, Howard." Howard just gives Sheldon a frozen glance.

Raj speaks, "you know, donating blood to yourself is not a bad idea. You never know what type of diseases you can catch from people."

"Uh," Howard replies, "That's why you wear a condom." Howard snickers.

"Your mind is always in the gutter, dude."

"Say," Sheldon interrupts, "I wonder how much they would pay for my blood. I'm sure it be a hefty amount."

"You shouldn't take money for your for blood, Sheldon. You should donate it for free," says Leonard.

"I used to sell my blood in college," said Howard. "I used to give it several times a month. Well, until I started passing out in class–and once I cut my self shaving and nothing came out." The rest of the gang just stares at him.

#

The guys are in Sheldon's and Leonard's apartment watching television when Bernadette walks in. She greets them all and approaches Howard.

"Hello sweet cheeks," Howard speaks."

"Hello gum ball,"Bernadette returns.

Sheldon observes, then says, "Sickening, isn't it."

"I wish I had a person who I could say sickening, saccharin salutations to," Raj replies.

Bernadette has good news for Howard and is bursting to tell him, "Guess what, Howard. My father has a cabin in the hills and he is going to let us use it some weekend."

"That is great, Berny," Howard says.

"It is. And guess what. We all can go. The whole gang."

Raj gets excited. "You mean us." Bernadette nods her head. "You mean everyone." Bernadette nods her head again. "Me too?"

"Of course you too, why would it not include you."

"I'm used to heart ache," Raj returns.

Bernadette continues, "Yes, you, me, Howard, Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon."

"Oh, I don't think I will be going," Sheldon says. "A cabin in the hills is not for me."

"Why not, Sheldon?" asks Leonard.

"A cabin in the hills can only mean one thing–a lone killer loose in the hills and innocent cabin dwellers living their last moments pinned up in the cabin."

Bernadette tried to convince him to go. "Oh, Sheldon. Those types of things only happen in the movies."

"That's what they all say," Sheldon speaks, "until it happens."

"But it will be so fun," Howard says.

"Not to mention all the little creatures and germs and other wildlife that is bent on nothing but eating people."

"We could bring a telescope and look at the stars," Raj joins in. "Think of all the scientific studies you could do."

"I'm a theoretical physicist. I don't need to go galloping through the hills to study science. I can do all my work right here in the apartment."

"You know there's a whole world of reality out there, Sheldon," Leonard speaks. "Sometime you have to go smell the roses."

"I'm not a hippy, Sheldon."

#

Later, Amy and Sheldon are talking in Amy's apartment and Amy thinks a weekend getaway in a secluded cabin might be just the thing to get Sheldon in a romantic mood.

"Sheldon, don't you think spending the night with me in a cabin would be romantic?"

"Romantic?" Sheldon wonders. "How could being in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a girl be romantic?"

Amy moves closer to Sheldon on the couch. "A girl, a cabin, the moon."

"Yes, Raj did mention that it would be good to take a telescope," Sheldon speaks.

"No," Amy says, "I don't want to go stargazing. I want to cuddle."

"Oh," Sheldon replies still not understanding Amy fully. Then it dawns on him. "OH! You want to get lovey, dovey, don't you."

Amy moves even closer to Sheldon who is uncomfortable with her close proximity and tries to move away from her. She then lays in his lap. "You know, the higher elevation just might loosen up my inhibitions a little.

Sheldon, still uncomfortable clears his throat and tries to push Amy back. She is adamant and continues to lie on Sheldon. "You know Sheldon, a walk in the woods might be the thing that does it for us. You know, getting away from the city lights, no pollution, no modern technology. There won't be much for us to do than to make sweet love."

Sheldon twists his head around and looks around the room. Amy puts her arms around him. He finally speaks. "If I agree to go will you stop touching me." Amy frowns, backs off and sits up on the couch.

"Ok, Sheldon," she says, "if that is what it takes to get you there then ok." Sheldon smiles and gets up.

"Alright then.

#

The gang is driving in a van on their way to the cabin. Howard is driving and Sheldon is riding shotgun. Leonard and the rest are in the back. The van belongs to Bernadette's father who has let them borrow it for the weekend. They are high up in the mountains and it begins to snow. Bernadette shows concern that the snow might get deep, but Howard assures her than it won't snow enough to snow them in. They arrive at the cabin and enter it.

The cabin is nice, though it is sparse with luxuries. Everyone is happy and excited when they see it upon entering except for Sheldon who doesn't like it at all.

"I don't like this," he speaks upon first seeing it. "Let's go home."

"Give it a chance, Sheldon," Bernadette says. "It will be fun."

"Fun?" Sheldon replies. "I guess fun for you is a trip down the rapids to the tune of Dueling Banjos." Raj and Howard look at each other, then start humming to the tune of Dueling Banjos to Sheldon. Sheldon turns to them and says, "Stop that!"

Bernadette suggests that the men go out and catch some fish while the women unpack."

"Fish?" Sheldon speaks. "You mean we have to catch our own dinner. Oh, what a rank and foul thing to suggest."

Leonard tries to get Sheldon to consider it. "I think it might be fun to catch our own food and to cook it. I've never fished before, it might be fun."

"A man of my intelligence should not have to capture dinner and to bring it back to the cabin and cook it. Let's call out for pizza."

"We're a hundred mile from the nearest pizza place. In fact, there are no places to eat for miles. We have to catch what we eat or eat what we brought with us."

"What did we bring?" Sheldon wants to know.

"Bologna, Vienna sausages, hot dogs..." Penny replies.

"I don't eat those things," Sheldon returned.

"Don't you like animal tails and hoofs," Howard retorted. Sheldon just flashes him a perturbed look.

"I want to go home, now," Sheldon demands.

"We are not going home, Sheldon," Leonard says. "We are staying here for the whole weekend."

"You can go home if you're willing to hitchhike," Penny says with a smile.

"Hitchhike? In this part of the state? Sure, and have a serial killer pick me up and chop me up!" Raj and Howard again hum the theme to Dueling banjos. Sheldon flashes them an angry look.

#

The guys return from the lake, but have no fish or anything for supper. The girls are disappointed, but don't say too much to the guys. They realize that none of them have ever gone fishing and have no idea how to catch a fish. Amy suggests that they all go for a short hike in the woods. Amy suggests that it would be a good time to get close to Sheldon. Penny reminds Amy of her promise not to touch Sheldon, but she says that she intends not to give up and still try to get intimate with Sheldon. They all leave, but while they are gone a skunk comes in and eats all of their food. When they come back they see the skunk in the cabin and run back out. When the skunk is finished eating, it leaves and the gang comes in and sees that all their food is gone. Sheldon panics knowing they all will starve to death.

"I told you, I told you," he speaks. "We are going to all die. No food. We need to go home."

"Sheldon, we will just have to go and catch some fish this time," Leonard says. I'm sure Bernadette knows how to fish, isn't that right, Bernadette."

Bernadette speaks, "That's right. My father taught me when I was little. And I know Penny knows how to fish." Penny agrees stating that her father took her fishing all the time when she was little. The gang agrees to go back to fish, but Sheldon doesn't want to go.

"I saw some bear tracks on the trail a while ago," he says. "I am going to sit hear and wait unit you guys come back."

"Sheldon, those were not bear tracks," Leonard explains.

"I think I know bear tracks when I see them," Sheldon returns.

"How would you know a bear track when you saw one?" Leonard asks.

"I've seen them before."

"Where?" Leonard and the rest of the gang wants to know."

"Wild Kingdom!"

"I don't care, those were not bear tracks. Bears hibernate this time of year," Howard explains. Sheldon ponders that thought for a moment, then he speaks up.

"Ok, those wasn't bear tracks- they were mountain lion tracks." The gang gives up and just leaves Sheldon at the cabin.

#

The gang returns to the cabin this time with a good catch of fish. They also have plenty of black berries that they had found along the way. Also, they discovered some more food in the van that they had forgotten about. They have a hearty meal and go to bed. During the night they forget to lock the cabin door and a bear walks into the cabin. It sniffs around then discovers the left over food in the cabin and begins eating it. At the same time Sheldon gets out of bed to get a drink of water. He turns on the lights a sees the bear. He screams at the top of his lungs and wakes everyone else up. They all see the bear and rush out of the cabin. The jump into the van to escape, but then realize that the keys are in the cabin. The bear stands on its hind legs and begins to shake the van. All the occupants shriek and scream as the bear tries to get in the van.

#

On the way back home, Sheldon is going on and on about how he told them that the trip would be full of danger and that humans were not meant to be part of nature. Finally they all tell him to shut up or that he will be walking home. Sheldon states that it could be no more dangerous than what they had already gone through. At that point Raj holds up his digital recorder and plays a recording of Dueling Banjos. Everybody laughs except for Sheldon who shouts, "Quit That!"


End file.
